Youthful Spirit

I'm navigating through mid-life crisis. Now. At 44, I am afforded the opportunity to put together the rumblings of my life, look at them, and make better decisions.

And what do I see? In short: I live in a house that is gorgeous, collected things in my life of comfort, traveled the world, lived life as if fear did not exist. With the up's came the down's, after which a lesson was learned. Always learning. Always growing.

And as I watch myself through this crisis, I find I am watching differently than in my youth. I have more tools, more wisdom. Time is moving quicker. And all the dreams of my many elaborate lifetimes, have all gone unrealized. I doubt. Life. Myself. And with doubt comes fear.

I never felt my proverbial clock ticking; I was busy dreaming and scheming, attempting to realize that dream. And boy did I try. Hard. I never got there; and never looked at what I was missing out on along the way. I never even envisioned what my life would look like from an older perspective, if I didn't have kids. I never even entertained the idea of regret for my choices.

I have changed since then. I am older and sitting in that overlooked perspective. This is not the place of my dreams. This is not familiar. This does not feel satisfying. I know this, yet I regret nothing. Because I haven't yet given up hope, hope that I can still make my life relevant. Everything in it's place.

So I continue to struggle to "prove" myself, to myself. After struggling to realize my dream, finding nothing coming of the struggle, I struggle to prove the struggle's worth. Now I'm struggling to not give up my dream, because of the energy invested in the struggle. It's too late to give up. It's too late to build a family.

Fear is at my wheel, driving me. Never before have I allowed fear control of my life. And I thought I was wiser.

My youthful modus operandi was to cast away all fear of the unknown and just DO. I always thought I would have the time, to do... more. But now I am out of time for children, which is the first opportunity to pass me by. Really. pass... me.... by. I am learning that time does run out. Opportunities do close. It has for me with children. Which opportunity is next?

What part of "youth" leaves you first?  Fertility, youthful skin, youthful ambitions, youthful energy, youthful spirit ? In that order? Or does energy go before ambition?

There's no getting off this rollercoaster.  I know all options and opportunities come and go.  They ebb and flow.   Things I do not yet understand will replace them.  And in allowing this release, I pray that I never give up the youthful spirit.



Copyright 2014 Yvonne Ramage.